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Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) William Lyon Mackenzie King said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Now Dalton McGuinty has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, food quality, Social Security, retirement funds, HST, eco tax, enviro tax, Hydro increases, smart meters, delivery charges, etc. . . I called Lifeline.
I got routed to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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...WHY HURRICANES ARE COMMONLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because when they come, they're wild and wet.
But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
...WHY GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY WAKE UP?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
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I still really like the army, but... talk about your Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder... I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.
Unfortunately, she came out of the shower with a fuckin' towel wrapped round her head – so I shot her.
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After 25 years of a sometimes stormy marriage, Eileen and Bob tried marriage counceling. more>>
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The age-old competition... who really wins? more>>
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'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.'
'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.'
'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.'
'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag,
and whose coffin is draped by the flag, that allows the protester
to burn the flag.'
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A must watch... This is very unnerving, landing with deck pitching 30 feet, at night, low on fuel. Incredible. You will never forget viewing these two videos. more>>
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A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. Never mind.
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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but... neither does Milk. more>>
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A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.
- Evan Esar more>>
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Urban freedom? You saw it here first! more>>
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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer... more>>
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The story is about Channing Moss, who was impaled by a live RPG during a Taliban ambush while on patrol. Army protocol says that medivac choppers are never to carry anyone with a live round in him. Even though they feared it could explode, the flight crew said damn the protocol and flew him to the nearest aid station. Again, protocol said that in such a case the patient is to be put in a sandbagged area away from the surgical unit, given a shot of morphine and left to wait (and die) until others are treated. Again, the medical team ignored the protocol. Here's a short video put together by the Military Times, which includes actual footage of the surgery where Dr. John Oh, a Korean immigrant who became a naturalized citizen and went to West Point , removed the live round with the help of volunteers and a member of the EOD (explosive ordinance disposal) team. Moss has undergone six operations but is doing well at home in Gainesville , GA. I think you'll find this video absolutely remarkable. more>>
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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. Thinking he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London, and certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop, he decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow Cop: 'Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer: 'What for?'
Glasgow Cop: 'Ye didnae come to a complete stoap at the stoap sign.'
London Lawyer: 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow Cop: 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stoap. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer: 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow Cop: 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stoap, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer: 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow Cop: 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
Glasgow Cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says,'Dae ye want me tae stoap, or just slow doon?'
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I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.
The question was,
"Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently... it's Africa.
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it. more>>
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A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent!" he replies, "I won 12 bucks. Here's $6, now get lost!"
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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things and drink whatever comes out?" more>>
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One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost... more>>
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A father explains condoms to his son. more>>
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Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners... Have a booth that you can step into that will simply detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling!!!!!
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When will it end? more>>
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And here came the Canadian. He appeared to be in his late 20s. He was wearing a scruffy beard, a pale bandanna, and wild stare. He jumped in front of Mary Clare on a darkened patch of sidewalk and started shouting. more>>
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Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. more>>
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After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in
her 90's stood before me. more>>
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Watch as John Wayland's electric car, the White Zombie, leaves high powered gas cars in the dust. John claims that his car is the world's fastest accelerating street legal electric car. See this 1972 Datsun time and time again take advantage of the electric motor's full torque in the first instant and continue to break world records: 0-110mph in 11.96 seconds (electric motorcycle 0-60 in 2 seconds). more>>
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Take THAT, Guardian... the 2010 Winter Games are NOT the worst Games ever. more>>
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Please consider the following words of wisdom when it comes to dealing with women. more>>
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When you're stuck in a bad situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember... more>>
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Feeling it was time for a shakeup, the Board of Arcelor-Mittal Steel hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a young man leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and the new CEO wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the young man how much money he was making.
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice answered: "Pizza delivery guy."
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Grandma is 88 years old and still drives her own car. She writes about an uplifting driving experience. more>>
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A man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she said: "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." more>>
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The Center for Disease Control has issued a recent medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, manually, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest LCBO and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
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1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you. more>>
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The Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. They've got the whole thing backwards. Here's a better plan: more>>
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A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:
"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"
I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit.
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Bill was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's' voice cooing from the kitchen.
What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?
He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken.."
You're having soup, asshole, I was talking to the cat!
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What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: more>>
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Filmmaker and P-51 Mustang Pilot Chris Woods has put together a wonderful film that captures the emotional reunion between a humble WWII Mustang ace (Jim Brooks) and the historic plane he thought he'd never see again.
Inspired by the flood of memories triggered by this unimaginable encounter with a long lost friend, the 88-year old pilot finally breaks his silence, sharing his stories and experiences of war with the grandchildren who never thought they'd hear them.
Wood's interviews with Brooks, his grandchildren, and other airmen who were touched by the Mustang's role in history are cut together to create a compelling narrative that is framed in stunning high-definition photography. View film: more>>
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David E. Meadows, a retired U.S. Navy Captain and the author of numerous military thrillers such as Sixth Fleet, Seawolf, AMERICA, Tomcat, JOINT TASK FORCE AFRICA, and DARK PACIFIC, liken Canada to an independent little brother who will always be there when needed, in this thoughtful piece on the Canada/U.S. relationship. more>>
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A compendium of Lessons Learned, such as "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine Corps more>>
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A lawyer died and went to Heaven.
Standing before Saint Peter, he argued “There must be some mistake. I’m too young to die. I'm only 55.”
“Fifty-five?” exclaimed Saint Peter. “According to our calculations, you’re 82.”
“How did you get that?” the lawyer asked.
Saint Peter answered: “We added up your time sheets.”
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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Quotable Quotes more>>
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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
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1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this.'
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come
in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
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A guy goes to apply for a job at the Post Office.
The interviewer asks: "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
"Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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The graveside service had just finished and people were beginning to step back when there was a massive clap of thunder followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning and even more thunder rumbling into the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well.... she's there.'
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On his 64th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his
wife. It was for a visit to a medicine man on a nearby Indian reservation, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation handed
his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he would be getting.
The old medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, said some words in his native language and handed it to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine, and it must be
respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'."
"When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as
you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and
asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4.'
But when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,
showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife became very excited and began throwing off her
clothes, but then asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you should never end a sentence with a preposition, because you could end up with a dangling participle.
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Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
*****************
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
*****************
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
*****************
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
*****************
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, expel both even though Johnny started it.
more>>
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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jumper cables walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walked into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS,' she said.
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'
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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Brian and his wife, Connie, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Brian leaned over, touched Connie's’s arm gently, and whispered, 'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Brian’s life of celibacy.
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A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a
fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own
those. And I own them because I give a hand-job
that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is
sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the
hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you
see that casino just across the street? I own that casino
outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's
worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the after glow of that terrific hand-job,
decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says,
"Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those
beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."
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The federal government says Canadian air travellers will soon be asked to undergo full-body cavity searches.
The move comes after full-body scanners, of the same type installed in
Canadian airports last year, failed to detect bomb-making materials that a
group of alleged would-be bombers had secreted within their personal body
cavities.
Transport Canada says passenger privacy will be fully protected, because all
individuals being stripped-searched will wear paper bags over their heads,
preventing security officers from seeing their faces.
"We feel this strikes the necessary balance between protecting passenger
safety and avoiding unnecessary traveller embarrassment," said a Transport
Canada spokesman.
Health Canada will compensate travellers by including complementary prostate
exams and PAP smears as part of the inspection process.
"We won't just be striking a blow in the war on terror," said Reductio Ad-Absurdum, said a spokesman with the Prime Minister's office. "We'll also reduce the
burden on our public health-care system by screening early for cervical and
prostate cancer. We think Canadians will be open to the value-added benefits."
While a few civil libertarian academic-types raised concerns about the invasion
of privacy, most of those commenting were
enthusiastic.
"Flying is a privilege, not a right," said one.
"If you don't have anything to hide, why would you object?"
"The world is a scary place," said another. "I don't mind having my government
stick its nose into every nook and cranny."
The Edmonton Airport Authority is asking all local passengers to arrive at the
airport at least five hours before flight time to allow enough time for the new
inspections.
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In a new policy initiative designed to flush out terrorist plots, Transport Canada
has announced that airline passengers will no longer be allowed to use onboard
washrooms while the plane is in flight.
"Letting people move freely through the cabin, allowing them access to a
private space where they couldn't be monitored, well, it's just too big a risk,"
said Transport Canada spokesman Winston Smith.
Passengers will be required to stay in their seats, with their belts securely
fastened, for the duration of the flight. For short-haul flights, passengers will be
provided complementary adult diapers. Long-haul flyers will be issued personal
catheters.
"We feel this strikes the necessary balance between protecting passenger
safety and avoiding unnecessary traveller embarrassment," Smith said.
While civil libertarians and others soft on terrorism suggested the new policy
was an affront to human dignity, public response was muted.
"This is public safety we're talking about here," said Edmonton passenger Saaphtee Pherst, 52.
"If you have a problem with it, then don't fly."
The Edmonton Airport Authority is asking long-haul passengers to arrive six
hours ahead of their departure time to be fitted for catheters.
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In a move designed to restore public confidence in air travel, Transport Canada
has announced it is moving to align with a new American policy that requires
that all airline passengers be placed in pre-flight cryogenic suspension.
"We believe that flash-freezing will maximize both passenger safety and
passenger comfort," said a federal spokesman. "Ever since we
banned people from taking books, magazines, computers and food aboard
planes, and made it illegal for them to get out of their seats, air travel has
become unduly tedious. This way, we eliminate any terrorism and boredom,
and allow passengers to arrive safe and well-rested, without jet lag. And since
we'll be able rip out the seats and stack passengers like cordwood, we'll be
able to make more efficient use of space and fuel."
Federal spokesman Reductio Ad-Absurdum said cryogenics was a proven technology with minimal health risks.
The Edmonton Airport Authority is asking all passengers to report to the airport 24 hours before their flight for freezing.
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Air UnitedCanNorthWestDeltaKLMVirginJALEl-AlJet, the world's sole surviving
airline, filed for creditor protection this week in the wake of a disastrous
Christmas travel season.
A climate of fear, combined with fears about climate
change, meant no one flew anywhere.
"Flying was no longer exciting or convenient," said business analyst Noitall Pundit. "The Age of the Airplane is over."
Travel Alberta is now asking people to travel by low-carbon donkey instead, and to stay strictly within a 100-mile radius of home.
"Foreign travel is dangerous and overrated. So are foreigners," said spokeswoman Pollyanna Xenophobe. "Alberta is the promised land. Really, no
one should ever want leave it again."
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring
throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then they kick him in the ice hole !!!
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WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan)
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence -
HUSBAND:
RATS ....
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A seven-year-old Toronto, Ontario boy was at the center of a
Toronto city courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents &
the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law & regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt
beat him more than his parents & he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy alleged they had also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family &
learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references & confer with
child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: Computer assistance; may I help you?
Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
Operator: What sort of trouble??
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Operator: Went away?
Caller:They disappeared.
Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing.
Operator: Nothing??
It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
How do I tell?
Operator: Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?
What's a sea-prompt?
Operator: Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator??
What's a monitor?
Operator: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
I don't know.
Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??
Yes, I think so.
Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Yes, it is.
Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No.
Operator: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Okay, here it is.
Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
I can't reach.
Operator: OK. Well, can you see if it is?
No.
Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.
Operator: Dark?
Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.
I can't.
Operator: No? Why not?
Because there's a power failure.
Operator: A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?
Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Really? Is it that bad?
Operator: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Operator: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!
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Often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions like,
"What is a bastard?"
In the photo attached, the guy on the right is a member
of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.
The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.
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1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy
Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
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(Blonde)
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!
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The Pope and Sarah Palin were on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Ms. Palin and said, 'Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? It will not be a momentary display of joy like that of your followers; it will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!'
Plain replied 'I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? I doubt that. You'd have to show me.'
So the Pope slapped her.
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